things are starting to look up, i’m finally starting to pull out of the mess in my head. i’m looking forward to having tomorrow off, i’m going to make soup for my grandparents tonight and hopefully spend some time with them tomorrow. sad to say, but spending time with people who have a good reason to be unhappy with life makes you appreciate yours even more.
i’ve sat at home tonight listening to songs to cover my pain, playing music that tries to convince myself otherwise. today was the hardest day of my life, and i’ve spent it all alone.
my mom calls with the news. “we’re going to make him comfortable.” i know what this means…its not long off. the nurse tells my mom, “thats the first time i’ve seen dr. constantino cry.” the hospital bed is being put up in my grandparents house this week…. i’ve not been close to my grandpa, but he’s always been a part of my life. my grandparents are very old fashioned, and i just haven’t been able to share my life with them. i’m the granddaughter that shows up for family events, and makes the occasional phone call to see how things are going. i don’t get a call to see how things are going, yet i feel the guilt of not having a relationship with them. i love my grandparents very much, i know things could have been different but efforts were not given. i don’t know if i wish things were different, i just feel that i’m glad to have been able to get to know them as people in my life. i know it bothers my mom that i’m not close with them. i will be very sad when my grandparents are gone. i want my children to be as close to my parents as i am with them.
i’m having a bad day. period. gareth left yesterday and i’m miserable. he was here for a week, and it was so natural. i didn’t want him to leave me. i finally got to see what being with someone you love should be like. i know he’s the one i’m supposed to be with. we’re going to do what we have to, i know this can work, it will take time. i don’t want to rush this, mess it up, make him regret it. i feel bad that he will be coming here and moving away from his friends and family. i want him to know how important it is to me that he’s making the right decision.
the last 7 years of my life are coming to an end tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I’m getting divorced. i’m having issues with this. i’m 27 years old, and divorced. only 50 something’s get divorced. i always ask myself how did i let this happen, how could i have not known this wasn’t the right thing to do. i keep telling myself if the last 7 years wouldn’t have happened, i wouldn’t be where i’m at now. i’m taking my maiden name back tomorrow. its mind boggling that i’m going to have a different identity tomorrow. different initials, different login at work, different drivers license number. i feel free. i’m back to the old me. like it never happened.
the last week, my mind has been a complete fog. i cannot recall what i did 5 minutes earlier, i wander in my thoughts randomly and lose all concentration on what i’m doing. i’ve done absolutely nothing in my house. when i’m driving, i don’t remember if that stoplight was red or green that i just went through. i had to pull over last night on my way home and breath. anxiety is taking over my system, and i can’t control it. medication makes me so groggy i cannot function with it. its a lose/lose situation right now. i sleep nonstop, and i have to shower before i go to bed, because i wake up 5 minutes before i have to leave for work, thank god for mikey having to pee every morning, otherwise i’d never get up, and probably lose my job. i cry at the drop of a hat, fall asleep sitting up in a chair, and slack off on my responsibilities. a daily phone call from gareth is the only thing holding me together. i know my nutrition is okay, i had bloodwork done to check that. i’m assuming this is some serious depression that i can’t pull out of.
i’m sitting at a friends house for lunch. he’s a coworker of mine, whose recently become a really close friend. he came out to me that he was gay about a week ago, after knowing him for a year, and he’s really become comfortable sharing that aspect of his life with me. we’ve hung out alot, and i’ve seen a completely different side of him. i see a gentle, loving and caring guy, and its nice to see that his boyfriend cares for him just as much. i’ve never really been friends with a gay couple before, it sure is a cool experience. we went out a couple of nights ago, and the gay bars are so different. its not the hetero “meat market” i’m used to, its a nice change.
endless things are running through my head, i’m having a lot of people over sunday night to hang out, its my first party since i’ve been living alone. i need to finish painting my livingroom before people come over. i’ve never been able to have “people come over to hang out” before, so this will be a first for me. i’ve always been embarrased to have people see where i live, i’m not sure why, my house is cute, its small, but cute. i just have this dream to have a big house and have it decorated nice and want people to see it, and not have to worry about someone randomly showing up and seeing what i live in.
work is going alot better fo me, i’m actually going to win a prize this month, its either an ipod or airline tickets. hopefully i get the tickets, i’d love to use them ot see gareth, or give them to him to fly here. i miss him terribly, i wish we weren’t so far apart 
hopefully this time next year, we’ll be together.
It’s been a long and winding journey
But I’m finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There’s nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes
My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you
My miracle
If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here
Standing here before you
Feels like I’ve been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name
1. What is your name? Andrea Carolyn Schoemaker
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? lilac
3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Johnson
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 53
5. What was the last thing you ate? cheese
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? red
7. How is the weather right now? 72 degrees
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Amber
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? facial expression
10. Favorite Food? my high school pizza
11. Favorite Drink? diet mt. dew
13. Favorite place to shop? Lane Bryant
14. Hair color: Blonde
15. Eye Color: Blue
16. Do you wear contacts? Yes
17. BEST FRIEND(s)?? Amber & Sara
18. Favorite Month? June
19. Favorite Fast Food? Uncle Pete’s (greek)
20. Last Movie you Watched? Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events
21. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? No
23. Summer or Winter? Summer
24. Hugs or Kisses? Kisses
25. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
26. Do you want your friends to respond back? Sure
27. Who is most likely to respond? Amber
28. Who is least likely to respond? not sure
29. What books are you reading? Nicholas Sparks
30. Piercings? Yes - ears
31. Fav. Movie? The Notebook
32. Fav. Team? um..
33. Fav. Hangout? my crib
34. Any Pets? Dog - Mikey
35. AIM or MSN? MSN
36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? Butter!
37. Dogs or cats? Dogs
38. Favorite Flower? Tulip
39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M.? nothing, i slap the snooze button about 50 times
40. Do you still talk to your best friends from intermediate school? Yep
41. What’s on your desk? dvdr’s, air freshener, cigarettes, peach schnapps, my favorite song i typed out and framed
42. Rock Concert or symphony? Concert
43. Play or Opera? Play
44. Have you ever fired a gun? Yep (my daddy is the biggest red-neck you’ll ever meet)
45. Do you like to travel by plane? Yep
46. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right-handed
47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? Smooth
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 6
49. City and State you were born in? Moline, IL
50. Ever hitchhiked? Nope
my apologies for not blogging lately. i’ve been in la la land for the last week. its 5am on a thursday morning, can’t sleep…wishing I was somewhere else..
ok..so, i’ve officially met the man of my dreams. seriously. no foo foo “i wish i could be with someone so i’ll settle for him” kind of stuff, this is straight up everything i need from a man to share my life with. I really need to introduce him so I can stop referring to “him” in my blogs. His name is Gareth.
Fate #1: This whole relationship began about 7 years ago, when we first met without knowing it was him. damn, i said “him,” however it was a valid place to say “him” so its ok 
I played Quake against him every wednesday night. We met on IRC in a chatroom 7 years later by my friend Amber messaging me and saying…”dude you totally need to talk to this guy he is so your type!” I laughed it off and apparently he got the same message from her, so we started to talk. We eventually ended up webcamming eachother, and I immediately felt something different about the situation. The moment he said his name was Gareth, I knew I’d fall for this guy. Every night since then, we ended up talking on the phone for at least 8 hours a day, sometimes 12-14 hours.
Fate #2: Gareth lives in Victoria, BC Canada, of which is my ABSOLUTE favorite place I’ve ever been. I told my mom 8 years ago when I first was there, “that place is my heaven,” and when he said that is where he lived, I about died!
Fate #3: hmm, about 18 years ago, a psychic told me that the name, “Barry,” would be of great importance in my life. I’ve only known 2 Barry’s in my life since, one is a close family friend, the other someone I went to school with. Amber talks on IRC to someone named Barry, which ended up being one of Gareth’s best friends, which is how Amber met up with Gareth in the first place, sees Gareth on cam, messages me, and thats how it begins.
When you talk with someone on IRC, its so hard to explain to someone who has never done it how much you learn about someone. I fell in love with Gareth after only a few days of talking with him, and the feeling was mutual on his end. We text messaged eachother daily from work, emailed nonstop like crazy, and I found myself taking mad pictures every single day, just because I wanted to share what my eyes see everyday. I came to realize, I want to share my entire life with Gareth. Everynight, we’d fall asleep with our phones laying under our ear, so we could hear eachother sleep, I’d wake up just to see him on cam laying there, wishing I could be laying next to him. I had a crappy webcam, so one night I went and bought a really nice one. so my surprise, it had a built in microphone and was SO much clearer. since it had a microphone built in, we stopped using the phones and just voice chatted with the cams.
After only talking to Gareth for a week, I knew I had to meet him. We worked out a plan for me to visit Victoria, however it was over 3 weeks away due to my work schedule. With my plane tickets purchased, I never wanted 3 weeks to come any sooner. I was so anxious to meet this person that I’ve been so intrigued by. I knew by the pictures he sent to me, I’d totally be into him, however, the way he looked didn’t matter to me, I loved Gareth as a person.
two days until my trip, gareth calls my parents. this totally blew me away, for him to care enough and be genuinely concerned about how my parents felt about me flying to canada to spend a weekend with someone I’ve never met, completely impressed me, and my parents as well.
the day before I am due to leave, I can’t even function. i’m so excited/nervous my stomach is in knots and i can’t concentrate on anything. so this is an intro to the rest of my blog i’m sure. Gareth is going to take up alot of my further thoughts, I’ll save my trip for the next blog 
yesterday was my day off,so that was cool. i went into work to 2 hours in the afternoon. i met up with amber after work and we went to Michael’s craft store, i got some stuff to work on my scrapbook for my trip. we were big dorks and laughed through the isles.
$50 later……we went to Chili’s to eat dinner.
amber
the waiter immediately gave me crap about the drink i originally ordered, saying they weren’t very good. i ended up drinking 4 beers and getting totally drunk. he ended up sitting with us at our table talking the whole night between his tables…apparently we’re fun. we leave dinner and end up in a traffic jam for like an hour it seemed. amber kept calling me from her cell phone teling me how bad she was going to crap her pants. we had this spicy bean dip and chips at dinner, and it wasn’t going too well for her. i had to talk her through it, luckily she made it home clean.
today i got an award at work, the managers made a big fuss over it all coming to my desk and presenting it to me, total embarrassment. apparently a customer wrote a letter to SBC that rocked, and told how wonderful and stuff I was, it impressed SBC Corporate enough to where they had my name engraved in a glass statuette and the CEO signed it thanking me, pretty cool, if only that came with a monetary bonus! kind of lets you know your making a difference and it goes appreciated….
i’m gonna go out tonight with some friends to our usual bar, the tidley! its the usual friday night drunk fest in the smallest bar ever! we have a blast though, we get wasted and sing karaoke like we’re on american idol and stuff.
our friend mike rocks! he was going to go to st louis to try out, but his wife was pregnant at the time and was going to deliver any day next time mikey! i’ll be rooting for you! i’ll definently be taking pics tonight so i’ll upload when i get home